Even though Daddy Moneybags Vulture III has considerable resources, he can't afford to recap every single season of every single Bravo show. (Maybe Daddy Moneybags Vulture IV has deeper pockets?) Southern Hospitality, Bravo's drunken, tantrum-prone stepchild, sadly got passed over this season, which means we missed out on collectively experiencing the show leveling up into one of the channel's shining stars. But that doesn't mean the Institute hasn't been watching what's turned out to be the show's best season yet, which Bravo seems to agree with, considering it just green-lit its first-ever two-part reunion.
Since we sat out this season, here are ten moments from the past 13 episodes that I would have absolutely loved writing about.
Michols and TJ's hookup
So many of the gay guys on Bravo are either in committed relationships or single and their dating lives don't matter. One of the reasons I loved this season of Southern Hospitality so much is because we got what might be our first gay-guy hookup between cast members. On a cast trip, TJ Dinch and Michols Peña were sharing a bed. After several drunken make-outs, they finally sealed the deal as cameras rolled and ... The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City played in the background. I have never felt more seen by a television program in my life. Bravo was also genius for getting Lisa Barlow and Bronwyn Newport to give their reactions to the scene, because if there's one thing gay guys love, it's random hookups and impressing divas.
Michols's lunch with his mother
There was a whole lot of gayness this season, whether it was TJ and Michols navigating their friends-with-benefits scenario, TJ dating a hot friend of Joe Bradley's, or Lake Rucker dating a woman who looks just like her. But the most crushing scene was Michols sitting down with his mother, who hasn't always been supportive, and seeing just how hard coming out still is in some circumstances. Michols's mother nominally supports him but still called him a "crybaby" for showing his emotions so often and is upset that he's been "lying" about her on the show when discussing how she hasn't always been supportive.
Emmy's fight with Julia
The main drama of the season, as it so often does, started at the season-three reunion. Bradley Carter overheard co-star Emmy Sharrett and her Fiancé Who Shall Not Be Named screaming about him through the door to their hotel room. He texted her, "Lower your voice, you're dead to me too, bitch." Emmy then told anyone who would listen that he made her feel "unsafe" and that he "stalked" her. When several people mentioned how racially loaded it was to make those comments to a Black man, Emmy doubled, tripled, and quadrupled down. That is until Brad's girlfriend, Julia, had enough and confronted her at an emo-themed party. Sometimes the only person who can end a shouty white girl is another shouty white girl. Sadly, Emmy still didn't get it.
Emmy's dinner cry
Once everyone on the cast confronted Emmy at dinner on the cast trip to Punta Cana and basically forced her to apologize to Brad for what he said, she finally said she was sorry. That was quickly followed by her talking about how hurt she was by this whole thing. When Michols told her to stop making everything about herself, Emmy, white women's tears personified, had the longest, ugliest, weirdest cry I've ever seen on television. It was made that much worse when several cast members laughed at her insincerity and Maddi Reese interrupted it several times because there was a stray cat nearby that terrified her. You're at dinner with Emmy, and the most terrifying thing is a flea-ridden feline?
Emmy touching her hair
Emmy is the kind of reality star who is always wrong, never learns from her mistakes, and so blatantly disregards everyone's feelings while claiming that she's the victim. Hating her is my new favorite dessert. However, she is always touching, twirling, and fiddling with her hair. Once you notice it, you will never stop seeing it.
Lake's mother tells her to shut up
When Lake found herself caught in the middle of the Emmy-and-Brad drama, she called her mother when things got a little too intense, and her mother had some wonderfully harsh words for her: "You gotta learn to keep your mouth shut!" When she found out the reason Lake got in trouble was for talking to her white co-worker, Ella, her mother said flat-out, "You don't go talking to white people about Black people's business." No wonder Lake turned out so great; she had a smart, no-nonsense role model.
Mia and Maddi have the dumbest fight ever
When TJ's bestie, Mia Alario, couldn't make it to his event, he had a cardboard cutout made so she could be there in support. When Maddi got mad at TJ, she knocked it on the ground and stepped all over it. The next time Mia saw Maddi, she felt the need to confront her about the disrespect that was bestowed on her cardboard cutout. Though this was wonderfully stupid, we can only fight about things that happened in the flesh.
Grace Lilly and Maddi talk sobriety
When Grace Lilly got wasted at a girls' night and asked Maddi if she "fucked Joe [Bradley] in the butt" because of the gay rumors about him, it set these longtime friends on the road to destruction. Grace essentially left the show for most of the season to get sober, and when she finally got Maddi, who has been sober for years, to sit down and talk about her "journey," Grace was far too cavalier about Maddi's feelings and the hard work of staying drug-free.
Leva tells Joe he's replaceable
Joe Bradley, whose biggest contribution to date was sleeping with Countess Luann, thought he deserved more from his boss, Leva Bonaparte. When he asked for his own bar and was rebuffed because he went on tour with his girlfriend, DJ Maddi Reese, Leva made him face some harsh realities. She told him, yes, he is replaceable and that he needs to secure his job before he gets special treatment. He faced it again when he threw a hissy fit in the finale because he didn't feel adequately supported when Leva taught him a valuable lesson about the business world: He has to go out and make it for himself or work better with his elders. She finally told him what he needed to hear: "I don't need you."
Mmmm. Justin.
If you couldn't tell based on my devotion to my imaginary husband Kyle Cooke, I have a weakness for Bravo fuckboys. This season, we got to meet one of the cutest ones yet: Justin Assad. The hair, the tattoos, the body. Ugh, he has it all. And now he's dating Charley Manley from Southern Charm. I'm happy we'll get to see him on two shows but sad he won't get to explore the 30 percent of him that's gay.
