It doesn't get much more quintessentially British. The Celebrity Big Brother: Live Final (ITV1) saw a dour, deadpan tea-drinker edge out a flamboyant drag queen and a Hollywood starlet to win. Coronation Street's Jack P Shepherd, aka David Platt, barely cracked a smile as he took the crown. For once, his long-suffering on-screen mother Gail might be proud.
Shepherd looked completely nonplussed by the result. "Surely not?" was his downbeat reaction. He'd done little but look confused and sip endless cuppas for the past three weeks. It's an indictment of a turgid series that this proved enough to triumph.
"I'm surprised to see you without a brew," said co-host AJ Odudu. The sort of thing you might utter when stuck for conversation with an elderly neighbour. Shepherd admitted that his strategy had been to "sit back and stay out of the drama". It clearly worked but was hardly a recipe for high-octane TV.
A ploddingly predictable series limped to a close with the bookies' two hot favourites slugging it out. In a two-horse race, Shepherd prevailed over Daniel Curtis, aka RuPaul's Drag Race champion Danny Beard. It all came down to bloc-voting soap fans versus mobilising drag devotees. The Weatherfield stalwart strutted to victory, while the Scouse queen sashayed away in second place. Beard can console himself with the fact that he completely stole the show during his hilarious exit interview, while slipping in a sly pitch for the co-presenters' jobs. They laughed nervously. You wouldn't bet against it.
The fly-on-the-wall franchise marked its 25th anniversary with an uneventful climax to an unremarkable series. Pundits have slammed it as the dullest edition ever. The fact that a major talking point became the broccoli-cooking skills of a soap actress proves how desperate things became. Producers resorted to innumerable fancy-dressed tasks just to inject some colour.
A tedious run duly drew feeble ratings. The curtain-raising episode notched the lowest launch audience in Celebrity Big Brother history. Viewing figures have since flatlined at around 2.5m. Don't be surprised if the next series finds itself exiled further down the viewing menu to ITV2.
At least the commercial channel's second celebrity iteration of the reality staple has generated headlines. Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke was shown the door after six days for aggressively squaring up to housemate Chris Hughes. This came hot on the Cuban heels of manhandling Odudu, using homophobic slurs against JoJo Siwa and directing inappropriate sexual comments at TOWIE "star" Ella Rae Wise.
